Van Life - The real, real!

I think, for the most part, my life has looked rather ideal over the last couple of years based on what I’ve selected to share through social media and to the casual observer. I’ve had the luxury of not working, spent countless hours on long stretches of open highway, and stood in wonderment before some of God’s greatest creations. It’s inevitable that if you’ve had a conversation with me, I’ve likely talked about a trip I’ve taken or an experience I’ve had while traveling. It’s hard not to get excited about morning cups of coffee with spectacular views or gazing up at star-filled skies in areas with little to no light pollution. But lately I’ve found myself wondering if omitting a lot of what’s been happening with me personally is causing people to grow sick of the stories or just feel plain over seeing all the pictures.

Friday Harbor, San Juan Islands, Washington

Occasionally my posts garner comments like, “jelly” or “so jealous”! But I love the heart of these people because they’re friends and acquaintances who I know wish they could travel more but at the same time don’t begrudge me with the experience of doing so; however, I wonder if they knew how I’ve been feeling if they’d share the same sentiment. It’s caused me to want to shed the façade that I’m just out here living my “best life”, and to share the real, real. You know, spill the tea per say, but about me.

One of my adult daughters asked me last year if I was going through a midlife crisis. I’m thankful for her concern and applaud her bravery. Wink. I guess running away from home, spending months living in a van, and infrequent showering gives off the impression that something’s amiss, go figure! If you know me personally then perhaps, you’re reading this now and realizing you’ve had similar thoughts. At the end of the day, I wouldn't characterize what I've been going through as a midlife crisis, brought about by getting older, but it's been a crisis, nonetheless.

Emma Wood State Beach, Ventura, California

Now before anyone starts sending up flares, setting off alarm bells, or scheduling interventions, let me provide some context. Life has been hard y’all, but especially over the last decade. The ninth anniversary of my father’s passing was earlier this month, and it gave me an opportunity to reflect on all that has happened since. Sitting down and processing the grief of the loss and change over the last decade is what prompted this post. The time in reflection also brought me to the full realization of how the time spent in the van has been about having an opportunity to breathe and recover.

In the last decade my father was diagnosed with lung cancer and passed away 10 months later in February 2016. My sweet little nephew, not yet two years old, was diagnosed with brain cancer in April 2017 and after a long battle passed away in October of 2022 at just seven years old. My precious mother-in-law experienced a fall and ultimately passed away a little over a month later in July 2019. I was diagnosed with breast cancer in September 2020 during COVID when our world was a scary place to go out in. My dear mother passed away in December 2020 and not having parents anymore is just plain weird. I lost the closest familial relationship in my life and started experiencing problems in my own relationship. Then for good measure I received notice, at just shy of 20 years of employment with the company, that I’d be losing my job in September 2023. I don’t like to kid myself that I’m the only person walking through difficult times, but it’s been a lot to shoulder. I’m working on normalizing the conversation and admitting I haven't been ok, for myself and others.

I used to journal, write poetry, and weave together short stories during the chaos of my teenage years, self-imposed chaos or otherwise. As an adult, and with the opportunity to slow down, I’m finding it therapeutic again and I’m hopeful it will help others in not feeling alone. The generous severance package I received from my employer along with some lifestyle changes has given me the opportunity to step away and for that I’m thankful. Van life has provided me with an opportunity to strip away a lot of the complexity in life. You can live well in a van, but let’s face it, it’s still 90 square feet and it forces you to think about what’s really a necessity versus a luxury. It’s been a good shift in perspective that has helped me regain some footing in life. Finally, if I’m being completely authenticate, I’ll tell you that at times I’ve felt far away from God in the last couple of years, but by being out in nature I feel the peace that His presence brings.

St Mary Lake, Glacier National Park, Montana

So, while much of the traveling I’ve been doing has been shared through amazing pictures from some pretty cool locations, I also want to be authentic in expressing that it’s been about so much more than just traveling. It’s been about seizing opportunities, figuring out what’s important in life, and experiencing things that make you feel alive. Sometimes in living with less, you can find more.

In closing, I don't offer this glimpse at myself for pity or so that I might measure my losses in comparison to yours. Rather, I hope it is received with love in recognition of others that I know are experiencing difficult circumstances and challenging times in their own life.

Bridget